December 2011
1 post
2 tags
A Modest Proposal
As many of you may have seen, Kraft recently produced a hilarious vending machine that denies children free pudding by using Intel technology to detect their age.
As a red-blooded American, I have developed an alternative application of this technology that I feel could benefit the nation as a whole. I present my idea, tentatively entitled “Sorry, Lardbucket.”
September 2011
1 post
5 tags
On 9/11 anniversaries, first responders,...
Anybody with a facebook account is probably aware of the upset over the status of the upcoming ceremony for the anniversary of 9/11. Rather than explain things myself, I’ll just quote it here:
Due to “lack of room,” NYC Police Officers, Port Authority Police Officers and FDNY Firefighters are not “invited” to the 10th anniversary of 9/11 at Ground Zero. Funny -...
July 2011
1 post
3 tags
Filling the Void
Some time ago I made a post regarding the hole in the world of pop culture the release of the final part of Harry Potter would create. The culture-wide obsession is something that visits us every ten years or so, beginning with Lord of the Rings and including such franchises as the first three Star Wars films. Having realized it will be at least several years until a new option enters the fray, I...
June 2011
1 post
2 tags
The fantastic return!
That’s right folks, I’m back. Just like a herpes infection, every time you think you’ve got me beat I come right back-I was hiding in your nerve endings the whole time!
A lot’s happened since we last checked in-but it all pales in comparison to the stupendous return of this blog. Jumping right into things, I’m still rather irritated over the buzz-a-buzz regarding...
March 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Another day, another protracted international...
The United States has launched missile strikes on Libyan air defenses and radar installations in an attempt to enforce the no-fly zone that has been in effect. The strikes were launched from Navy vessels stationed in the Mediterranean Sea, conveniently far from any source of retaliation. Casualty details are not available for now, but numbers are probably low given the unmanned nature of these...
2 tags
Bing overtakes Yahoo in marketshare
That’s right. The search engine that was formerly the unlovable redheaded stepchild of websites, live search, has beaten Yahoo as the second most popular search engine in the world. Surely they will be able to inflate their now-massive 4.37 percent market share to surpass Google’s mere 89.94.
But remember kids, just because you want a computer with this great search built in,...
February 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Nobel Laureate's words on Mubarak's decision to...
This bad is news. Bad news indeed.
Mubarak has decided to stay in office. Rather than write a long anaylsis or interpretation of the events, I will simply quote Egyptian Nobel peace prize recipient Mohamed ElBaradei:
“”The Army must save the country now. I call on the Egyptian army to immediately interfere to rescue Egypt. The credibility of the army is on the line.”
Rescue....
2 tags
This is what governmental error looks like
The Egyptian prime minister has implied that the government will be “riding out” the protests. The same protests that resulted in torching government buildings, and the same protests which the military greeted with practically open arms. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is a major tactical error on the part of the Egyptian government. This is the way mostly bloodless...
January 2011
5 posts
2 tags
On Lawmaking
Made with LucidCharts and Photoshop
2 tags
How to exceed the speed of light: A tutorial
First, a bit of background. As you can learn from this article, if you stand on the front of a train and fire a gun the bullet will exit the gun at its normal speed, but will start at the speed of the train, adding those two speeds together.
Now, scientists often cite the fact that mass increases proportionally with speed to refute the concept of light-speed travel: accelerating to light speed...
3 tags
Gabrielle Giffords Has Been Shot
Breaking:
Arizona representative Gabrielle Giffords (Democrat, first elected 2006) has reportedly been shot in a grocery store during a public event in Tucson, AZ. Witnesses report 15-20 gunshots and an undetermined number of bodies, reportedly at least twelve. The shooter ran into the crowd and began firing randomly. One person has been taken into custody. Eyewitnesses report she was shot...
2 tags
China's big plane can beat up your big plane
So, China has a new toy. It’s a stealth fighter, such as the all-famous F-16 deployed by the US. See, I myself do not know the difference between a stealth fighter and a regular jet, but I am assuming it has to do with the black paint job. In all honesty, the reason they know it’s a stealth fighter is because it’s polygonal body shape is designed to deflect radar waves, and its...
2 tags
Bagels: The world's finest food
I’m taking a break from profound philosophical musings and pessimistic doomsaying to give everyone a needed explanation.
Bagels are the best food in the entire world.
They are portable enough to be carried with you, or stuffed in a coat pocket for long trips.
What’s more, if you bring a bagel with you to a party as a precaution (BYOB) and it turns there is food present, you can hang...
December 2010
5 posts
3 tags
I'll give it to you straight, the future is bleak
At least for Korea. Today, North Korea announced that they will strike back at the South with more force than the previous attack (which killed four) if a drill near Seoul on a contested island goes forward. A member of the Korea Institute for Defense Analyses stated that the attack would mean the North would be comitting to a full war. This is bad, in case you didn’t know. North Korea...
3 tags
And I say, what about dying at 88?
And I said, well that’s one thing Blake Edward’s got.
This guy directed the Pink Panther, and the movie Breakfast in Tiffany’s, without which we would not have the eponymous song. On that note, it is a scientific fact that more people can recall the refrain to the song than the plot of the movie.
3 tags
The easiest way to complement something ugly
And no, I’m not talking about buying modern art.
ZING!
Rather, I refer to the social situation in which one is confronted by someone wearing something absolutely hideous and asked for your opinion. While bluntness is sometimes an effective strategy, it can also be a disastrous one, especially if the person in question is the one you are currently/planning to be in a relationship with, or...
2 tags
Local music plug
Well, I’m a sucker for the whole “small local band” sort of thing, possibly a remnant of my roots in indie music. Well, this is a link to the first promo (wip) single by the area band Dorian, which is just starting out. I encourage you to give it a listen, at the very least to make me feel less guilty about doing random link sharing on my blog. I’m sure these folks will...
1 tag
NASA once more declares the obvious
Well, at least in part. In a press conference, NASA announced they’ve discovered a new kind of bacteria that consumes arsenic and substitutes it for phosphorous in its DNA. In short, this means that your kids’ high school biology classes are gonna be a lot harder in ten years.
This basically disproves the entire theory that all life follows a basic structure of DNA. The theory that...
November 2010
5 posts
4 tags
Out with a click
So, wikileaks has released yet another cataclysmic, world-changing set of documents. Honestly, wikileaks has “changed the world” so many times I’m surprised Julian Assange is not currently President of Everything. If you detect a hint of cynicism or skepticism in my tone, you are correct. However, this document really does change a lot-it opens up all the secretive diplomatic...
4 tags
A Void Soon Will Cometh
I refer of course, to the gaping hole in the pop culture universe that will appear when the final Harry Potter movie releases. There’s no denying that until now, Harry Potter and his eponymous series has dominated and, in many ways, controlled both the fantasy literature and fantasy film genres. Sure, little phenomenons like Twilight have appeared, but those are all firecracker, flash in the...
1 tag
Ready the DeLorean
I do a lot of future-themed posts. However, this may be one of the best to date.
Basically, Caltech researchers have done some important stuff with quantum mechanics that can only be described using really long words. However, what’s important is the real world application. This development in the field of quantum mechanics signifies the actual possibility of quantum computer development....
1 tag
MGM goes bankrupt, Movie fans forget actual...
How the mighty, heavily indebted, corporate giants have fallen. I suppose James Bond 23 will be a little delayed now. Fortunately, there’s about a billion dollars of public offering monies to be had. This, however, will not stop countless ignorant fools from going around saying “Did you hear MGM is bankrupt? That’s part of disney world, right? That means DISNEY IS BANKRUPT!...
1 tag
Why we like zipper hoodies
Yesterday I was in Wal Mart. I was looking through the sweatshirts there because I live in New England, where the temperature is beginning to near the area referred to by meteorologists as “Really Motherfucking Cold.” I realized that, since years previous, the number of regular pull-over hoodies with obnoxious and/or offensive prints on the front had decreased, being increasingly...
October 2010
9 posts
"I'm the Oogie Boogie Man"
This year’s pumpkin carving is completed.
Pattern source
To complicate things a bit more, I cut out the eyes and mouth and scrape-carved the background with a dremel tool and an exacto knife. I think things turned out well overall.
3 tags
LimeWire Taken Down
Well, here’s the end of an era. Who among us didn’t spend half of their high school career going on about P2P, either about the benefits or disadvantages of such things as Napster, Kazaa, and, of course, LimeWire. Now, everyone knows what happened to Napster, and Kazaa’s a mere relic now. So, up till now, there was only one destination available for mislabeled porn and viruses...
3 tags
A Holiday(s) tradition
I am here today to share with you, dear readers, the greatest of all holiday traditions. I refer, of course, to viewing The Nightmare Before Christmas. If you haven’t heard of this film, I have a really big rock outside you can hide under next. Anyway, it’s the best holiday movie ever-it has all the elements. Romance, challenge, an easily despicable bad guy (who would sympathize with a...
3 tags
My Creed on Religion
This is a long one. Take a deep breath and don’t hold it until the end, or you’ll really find out if god is real or not. If you start to read this, please finish it so I don’t come across as some weirdo believer in bipolar judgement of humans.
So, all religions are about getting into heaven, more or less. Sure, you say you’re doing it to help your fellow man, but then why...
3 tags
Google Scans Dead Sea Scrolls; Hipster Whining
So, as this article states, Google will be scanning the complete text of the dead sea scrolls using a bleeding-edge NASA developed technology. Since they were originally scanned using 1950s infrared stuff, this is sort of like comparing photographing something with a Nikon to drawing said thing with crayons. Broken crayons. But I digress. The point here is that entirely unknown portions of the...
3 tags
Cold, bitter, anger directed towards EA
Alright EA. First you mess up Burnout with microtransactions. Then you mess up The Sims 3 with microtransactions. Then, you…cancel SPIELBERG’S new game he was making for your company over concept overlap? Pardon me? I mean, what with the *very successful* in house release of Medal of Honor, it sure makes sense to cancel a game by the author of the *terrible* Boom Blox. Like, seriously...
2 tags
Massive Kudos to Virginia Phillips!
So, here’s the extreme peak of “sticking it to the man.” This federal judge has issued an injunction banning “don’t ask, don’t tell” also known as the controversial “gay people have no rights” army regulation. For those of you who don’t know, an injunction is basically the surprise flying roundhouse kick of the legal world. Just when you...
3 tags
And "Dad of the Year" goes to...
My dad. However, the runner up is this guy. As you can read in this yahoo article, he and his kid spent eight months planning and constructing the necessary parts to send an HD camcorder, an iPhone, and a GPS tracker into space on a weather balloon. The balloon made it over one hundred thousand feet, reaching the stratosphere. At this point it burst, presumably out of fear that it may be captured...
6 tags
Stuxnet is the first thing to scare NDJB for the...
I’ts a known fact I have never been afraid. I am afraid of this. But not because this virus targets nuclear power plants, something made out of distilled explode, or because this may be one of the first instances of cyberwarfare. I’m worried that Iran is just as convinced that the US government was behind this little fiasco as the folks over at Wikileaks are. See, it doesn’t...
September 2010
14 posts
1 tag
Google URL Shortener Now Sooper-Offishul
Goo.gl is Google’s url shortening service. Like tinyurl, it’s used to make absurdly long links a subdirectory of the given service’s domain. Humorously enough, these links often come from google-owned youtube.
Well, for those of you who for some reason simply cannot use one of the thousand other similar sites or have some kind of bizarre brand loyalty to Google, there is now a...
3 tags
Philippines almost-declaration of war an "honest...
Story
Fox News Mode Engaged:
“Uh, yeah, well, so was Hiroshima. (Pronounced ‘hero-sheema’). Wait, is the Philippines the one with the Jews or is that Pakistan?
Well, uh, more like PHILISTINES!”
I’m so sorry. Today is an off day.
4 tags
For when just buying a spandex suit isn't good...
Get your mind out of the gutter. This post is about Halloween. Anyway, this wag has written a guide regarding the construction of the most complicated Halloween prop I’ve seen since the year the neighbors did “Deep Space Nine” as their haunted house theme. Anyway, this is for those of you dedicated Halloween-goers (hallowieners?) that are just ‘too cool’ for buying a...
6 tags
Looks like Facebook's got a "fail whale" of its...
I appreciate you getting on on the trend, but come on guys, can’t you be a little more creative? Get some color in there!
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Facebook, I implore thee, fix this foul trend!
This is an annoying fad. I am referring, of course, to the currently popular practice on Facebook to add half of your friends list as “siblings” and “parents” and what have you. Not only is this obscenely annoying, it can also be confusing when you are trying to, you know, actually identify the family of said Facebook user. What once had a sole, clear use for one purpose...
4 tags
Phenomenon widely known as "big shit going down"
Most of these tech posts have about this much relevance to the real world. However, this particular event deserves a mention. Basically, there’s this thing called HTCP hardwired into pretty much every consumer product that plays video, period. Be it a blu ray player, hd dvd player (just being universally accepting), or your HDTV, the man has a little share in it. This is also the reason your...
1 tag
Saturday Filler Content, Continued
A bit of Deja Vu to a video on The Onion.
Ever wonder what it’s like to play tetris? I don’t mean control the blocks on the screen. I mean play tetris. Sit down, yank the power cable for the console out of the wall accidentally by tugging on the controller, eat an entire bag of bugles and scream in agony every time you get one of those stupid fucking s-blocks.
Well, now, thanks to...
2 tags
Super Mario Bros: Sidewalk Edition
I’m too lazy to produce anything of meaning today, so here’s a video of a guy playing Super Mario Bros on a sidewalk curb.
I don’t really understand what’s so special, I’ve been playing it that way for years.
The actually amazing part of this is how he managed to complete that entire game without dieing.
Anonymous asked: Why do you use white as an accent color when the blog background is a very, very, very bright blue? The brown on blue (an excellent color combination) reads perfectly, but get rid of that white! Perhaps a lovely shade of anything other than white?
2 tags
Guy catches giant goldfish, this blog post nearly...
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_sp3575
Actually, the only reason I’m posting this is because I want to quote the author’s line, “Yahoo! searches on “giant goldfish” are currently soaring.”
That must be, like, 4, right?
I seriously can’t even understand why anyone uses it anymore. Even “Bing” is better, and it’s named after a...
2 tags
Attention eReader Users
I don’t care.
I don’t care that the screen doesn’t provide eyestrain, and all of the advantages it has over an LCD. I have never gotten eyestrain reading off an LCD. You’ll notice most people’s eyes don’t melt out of their sockets while they’re browsing the web, so I don’t think it’s a common problem. So stop telling me about the advantages....
2 tags
The biggest problem with future-future movies.
Now, don’t get confused and think I’m talking about movies that take place in the future. I’m talking about movies that take place in the future OF a future. For example, take Alien Resurrection. I recently finished watching this, and, along with the fact that that movie was awful in every describable way, one particular bit bothered me. For those of you who don’t know,...
August 2010
4 posts
A new piece entitled "If Tattoos Were Removable"
Shoulder 1: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d9/Spawn_Classic.jpg
Shoulder 2:http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/41/SOAP_poster.jpg (minus title)
2 tags
If the tea party is allowed to say that the mosque...
I’m allowed to say that holding a tea party rally where MLKJ held his “I had a dream” speech “doesn’t feel right.”
Thank heavens we have Glen Beck to lead us out of the “darkness.”
2 tags
You know what would suck? If you found out you...
And then you discovered the revelation was a mistake made by the people you had entrusted with your life you thought you were about to lose.
Some lucky folks on a recent British airways flight got a special treat Tuesday, if by “special treat” you mean “harrowing, mentally scarring waking nightmare.” Essentially, as you can read in that yahoo article, 275 passengers were...
1 tag
Why the iPad is a good invention.
Today, I was on a borrowed iPad, colloquially known as the “iPod massive.” I was reading the free samples of texts from the iBooks store when my mind wandered to a scifi novel I had started several years ago and ceased to read when I found my dignity. In the novel, citizens of the utopian future in question had tablet-like devices which allowed them to do all sorts of cool shit. I do...